My 5 Least Favorite Songs About Christmas

I don't want to call them Christmas songs because there were already two genres of music dedicated to Christmas before the pop songs came out of nowhere in the 80's (you can't blame Reagan for that one).  The first are Christmas carols and they are light and playful and fun and written by kittens.  Some have entire claymation specials devoted to them.  The second, and better genre, are hymns.  They are actually about Jesus and Christmas and they are awesome and they have powerful lyrics like: 

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease

That's how you write a lyric right there.  In so many ways we have advanced as a society, but when it comes to penning Christmas lyrics we are the devolutionary equivalent of primordial ooze (there, something for the Darwin set).  So here are my five least favorite songs about Christmas and why.  For some reason, these are also the five songs that play each and every hour on the radio starting around Labor Day.

5.  Do They Know Its Christmas (band aid)

Sting:  Hey, you guys.  We are all super rich musicians and we should give back, especially around Christmas.

Guys:  Yeah, you are totally right.  But how?  Money?

Sting:  No, the starving kids in Africa don't want our money, they want our gift.  Our gift of music.  They want us to sing a song to try to make people sad about their plight and then maybe those people will give their money.

Guys:  I don't know, I think they would probably just rather have our money.  Then they could buy food and eat it.

Sting:  I see what you are saying, but what if instead of filling up on actual food, we fed them the feelings of love we could create in the world when we question whether they have calendars.

Guys:  That sounds kind of crazy Sting.  I bet if we ask them they would be unanimous in their preference for our actual money.

Sting:  I'm Sting, get your guitar.

Sappy and terribly written.  We Are the World rolled over in its grave when it heard this.

4.  Christmas Shoes (some country guy maybe)

There is nothing left to do to this song that Patton Oswalt and Matt Schur have not already done.  To sum up, a guy in line buying Christmas presents is having a bad day so God sends a boy whose mom is dying to show him the true meaning of Christmas.  This uplifting tune is delivered to you by some guy that sounds like a gravel truck.  The only Christmas shoes that matter are the new Air Jordans.

3.  Feliz Navidad  (jose feliciano)

Whoa there buddy, we were with you until now.  But this song is a classic tune of whimsy that breaks down all racial barriers.  It is nachos.

I used to like this song, but then Taco John's happened.  They co-opted this once delightful mariachi romp and enslaved it.  Can you believe they have the audacity to commercialize Christmas?

This is more an indictment of the horrible food and meat paste at Taco John's.  I can't hear the song anymore without thinking of their culinary miscreations and that is exactly what they want.  This is coming from someone who regularly eats at Taco Bell.

You want to wish me a Merry Christmas Jose?  Then just do it.  You are leaving it out there like "I want to wish you a Merry Christmas, but . . . "  What did I do?  Why are you holding back?  Just wish me a Merry Christmas from the bottom of your heart and get it over with.

2.  The Twelve Days of Christmas

Admit it, you hate it.  You do.  There is something nostalgic about it, but you cringe when it starts and have never actually heard the song from start to finish. You hate the premise, you hate the repetitive nature, and you hate that you can never remember anything after day five.  

This more aptly fits into the category of "carol" than a pop song, but its awfulness transcends labels.  It will surprise no one to learn it is French in origin. Its only saving grace is that the Mckenzie Bros. version is one of my favoritest things.  (While we are here - since when did "These Are a Few of My Favorite Things" become a Christmas song?)

1.  Last Christmas (Wham)

Maybe this is a terrible song, maybe it isn't.  For me, it dredges up feelings of heartbreak and sorrow and roller skating.  Around Christmastime in 9th grade I asked a girl to "go with me" as we said back in the day.  We were at Skateland, a magical place of licorice ropes, teenage sweat, and that X's and O's roller football game.  Did your junior high have a guy who was surprisingly really, REALLY good at backward skating and it turned out later he was gay?  Of course it did.  

I finally worked up the courage to ask her out (my shyness is legendary) and she said no.  She said she had a boyfriend from a different school.  I don't even remember what school she said, but I think she was making it up.  I think it was Marian.  Either way, as I skated off (the single most emasculating way to leave any situation) I heard this song.  Last Christmas.  I had just given her my heart and she gave it away.

I was devastated.  And I wasn't even smart enough to wait until it was almost time for our parents to pick us up so I had to skate around for two more hours while word of my defeat spread.  That would put me into a Nintendo gaming coma from which I would never fully recover.

I went home confused and hurt.  How could a stallion like George Michael be so wrong about loving a woman?  How?  

Either way the song is trash.  It has all the lyrical complexity of Wake Me Up Before You Go Go (for fear I may be hanging on, you know, like a yo-yo).  To compensate for how bad it is, it gets played every 12 minutes.

Merry Christmas World.  Even if some of you don't know its Christmastime at all.