New Year's Resolutions
So lazy
If you Google "New Year's resolutions” you get pages and pages of the same common resolutions: lose weight, get out of debt, quit smoking, take a trip, drink less, etc. Another one of the top hits is for "Most Commonly Broken New Year's Resolutions" and it is the exact same list.
Well this year I figure hey - if there is already a list of good New Year's resolutions, no sense in making my own. Instead I am just going to adopt the most popular resolutions in America. If it’s good enough for Ben Franklin it’s good enough for me.
But you have to have a plan or else you break those resolutions and then you go to hell. (I guess I'm not entirely sure what the penalty is for breaking a New Year's resolution but it must be pretty severe.) So here are my adopted New Year's resolutions and how I plan to stay the course.
(Also, I have started selling product endorsements on my blog but they are so subtle you'll never even notice.)
1. Quit smoking. Nailed it. This is easy. Or do I have to start smoking and then quit? Those things are kind of expensive and since one of the resolutions is to reduce debt, I'm pretty sure I don't have to start a new habit just to stop it. Certainly the Drafters of The Resolutions would have considered consistency an important component of The List. Man, this is stressful. I wish there was a way I could just take a quick break, go outside, and relax with a mild narcotic.
2. Lose Weight. This will be a tough one because I eat food. Every day. There, I admitted it. I feel better already, like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. And then placed around my midsection.
Until recently I never really had a problem with my weight. If I gained weight, I just grew a few more inches until I wasn't fat anymore. Well I think I may have topped out, so now I have to watch what I eat like normal people. I resolve to cut down to no more than 30 hot dogs per month and no bacon. Whoa, hold on there Pork Belly Futures market, I'm just kidding. I meant no QUINOA. In fact, I resolve to not eat any types of dirt in 2015. Instead, I am going to eat more Dunkin' Donuts.
3. Drink less. It is the morning of New Year's Day and I haven't had anything to drink. Check.
4. Volunteer. I am disappointed that this is a popular resolution. That means that most Americans don't volunteer at all. I can't imagine living in a world that does not spend 30 days a year with a glorious mustache. These people must live in cities where no Mustaches for Kids Chapter exists. While sad, you can do something about it. Start a chapter. For real. My brother, Kevin, and I are now running Mustaches for Kids International and can start you off with whatever you need to launch a chapter in your very own town. E-mail us at stache@m4komaha.com to get geared up for your Growing Season and add "Be sexy" to your 2015 New Year's resolutions.
5. Kill again. This one didn't make all of the lists, but since it is out there I thought I would address it. I'm probably not going to accomplish this in 2015, but I want my enemies to know that this is on my list. I'm looking at you Leonard Nimoy (he knows why.)
6. Make a series of excuses to avoid exercise. This is my personal twist on the "get fit" resolution. Everybody joins a gym for two weeks and then just feels guilty watching that money automatically deduct each month. Instead of changing my behavior to improve my lifestyle I simply changed the resolution to accurately reflect what I am already going to be doing. To quote the 20th century philosopher Rowdy Roddy Piper, "Just when they think they got the answers, I change the questions."
While some people will be busy running on treadmills, I am going to be like America and run on Dunkin'.
7. Go gluten free. Just kidding. Gluten isn't even a real thing. It's like global warming.
8. Apologize for insensitive remarks about gluten. At some point in the new year I will likely make some statement about gluten that is insensitive and ignores those with gluten allergies. When that time comes I will need to apologize and maybe even recognize that gluten is a real thing.
9. Travel more. This one must be for people who don't live in Nebraska. I am looking out my window right now at a frozen wasteland. Where would you even go that is better than this? I already have a few trips planned this year (Pawnee City, NE and Sioux City, IA to brag about a few). As a family we will try to do better this year. It has just been really tough to maintain any type of travel schedule since we stopped following the Grateful Dead.
The only thing I know for sure is that there will be no follow up post about whether I am accomplishing any of my resolutions, nor will much attention be paid to them at all. That I can promise you.
Here's hoping your 2015 is healthy and happy and filled with laughter and puppies and rainbows and sunshine. If you need a hug I have a friend named Todd who will hug anyone anywhere at any time for no reason at all. If you need a pick-me-up but don't want a strange man to hug you, just to go to any Dunkin' Donuts in Nebraska on any Monday from now until January 19th and mention this blog. You will get a free cup of coffee anytime of the day. For real. You are welcome.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!